


Zardoc and the Evil from the Eighth Dimension

by Severina



Category: Young Riders
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-08-28
Updated: 2003-08-28
Packaged: 2017-10-23 03:32:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Severina/pseuds/Severina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The riders deal with laser guns, clothing with innumerable zippers, and waaay too much bleach.  Total crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zardoc and the Evil from the Eighth Dimension

The wind picked up suddenly, whipping clouds of dust into a frenzied dance. The small animals of the prairie buried their heads beneath paw or wing. A flash of lightning, scarlet as the dress of a shamed woman, illuminated the harsh desert landscape.

They had arrived.

The night was quiet again as Zardoc brushed the lingering dust from his fine silver jumpsuit, zippers and buckles jangling. He gazed up at the moon before drawing his finger along his pencil thin mustache. “Ahh. A most commendable landing, Jevrak.”

His second in command hustled forward, bowing obsequiously. “It is always a pleasure to serve you, most revered and marvelous one.”

“Of course it is.” Zardoc turned his back on the underling. “Ravisha! You are certain the creature is here?”

Ravisha took her place at Zardoc’s side as quickly as her four-inch heels would let her. “The creature has taken up residence on this planet,” she squeaked out, trying to ignore the way Jevrak’s eyes lingered on her gravity-defying bosom. “Shipboard computers tracked the creature to Nebraska Territory… specifically, the town of Sweetwater.” She twirled a finger in her hair, head cocked to one side. “Do you think the water is very sweet here? Because I need to watch my calorie intake.”

“Oh, I soooo know what you mean,” security chief Krevlon put in. “Ever since they eliminated the gym on Nebula 7, I’ve been losing SO much definition in my abs.”

“Your ABS?” Ravisha was beside herself. “I’ve gained .0006 ounces in the past week! It’s just—”

“SILENCE!!!!”

Zardoc gave his best “I am the commander and I’m getting mighty ticked off” stare to each of his supremely wicked subordinates, lingering longest on Jevrak. The fact that Jevrak hadn’t actually participated in the discussion didn’t bother him. It was always amusing to watch the little man squirm.  
When he felt they’d endured the stinging fire of his molten gaze long enough, Zardoc smiled. “That’s better. Jevrak!”

The lieutenant slunk forward. “Yes, oh most powerful and magnificent one?”

“Lead on!”

“Oh. Oh… ummm… Yes. The creature is nearby. This way!” With determined steps, Jevrak led the way through the loose soil to the destination marked with a great red “X” on his palm navigator. The goal: the Pony Express waystation. Whatever _that_ was.

* * *

“I thought… you said… the creature… was… was…”

Zardoc bent at the waist, struggling to get the necessary air to his starved lungs. Silver hydrofoil might be all the rage back home, but it was not made for the dry heat of this strange Nebraska Territory. And his calves were killing him! Sure, his thigh-high boots made him look stunningly attractive, but was this entire blasted trek to be uphill??? He straightened, spitting out the dust that had crawled into his mouth from the atrocious desert wind.

“JEVRAK!!”

The little man almost crawled to his side. “Most glorified one?”

“’The creature is nearby’, you said. NEARBY!! We have been walking for,” Zardoc glanced at the others, “how long, Krevlon?”

“Six minutes, commander.”

“Bah!!” Zardoc strode angrily to the security chief, whipping his timepiece from his lapel and throwing it to the ground. “Your device is obviously defective, Krevlon! Ten demerits for having faulty equipment!”

Ravisha sniggered. “I could have told you that lonnng ago, commander.”

Krevlon turned an interesting shade of pink. “Hey!”

Zardoc smoothed his hands down the front of his jumpsuit, snagging on only a dozen or so of the absolutely unnecessary yet dazzling zippers. Ah yes, the feel of cool metal did much to calm his nerves. Perhaps Jevrak would survive this little expedition after all.

And speaking of the lieutenant…

“Oh omnipotent and gorgeous one? The creature has taken shelter,” Jevrak pointed at a building in the distance, “there.”

“Indeed.” Zardoc pushed back his hair impatiently. Damn wind! His eyes narrowed. Jevrak and Krevlon were having equal difficulty in keeping their elaborately coiffed hairstyles in place, but Ravisha still looked as spectacular as when she’d teleported from their state-of-the-art Zardocmobile. He waved her forward.

“Ravisha… your hair…”

“Oh, I know, isn’t it the cutest? I had it streaked before we left… oh, what was it called? That planet we blew up. The hairstylist gave me a ten percent discount too! Pity we had to kill him; he was kind of cute.”

“RAVISHA!”

The girl looked wide-eyed. “Yes commander?”

Zardoc tried to remain calm. Having a heart attack in some godforsaken desert backwater would tend to put a crimp in his plans for interplanetary  
domination. “Ravisha. Dear, sweet Ravisha.”

“Yes commander?”

“Why is your hair not moving in this blasted WIND?”

“Oh, that!” Ravisha giggled. “I discovered the most totally awesome hairspray! Not only is it guaranteed to hold any style in winds up to and including a Category Four tornado, but it’s also a fantastic breath spray. Minty fresh!”

Zardoc surreptitiously blew on his hand, sniffing delicately before crinkling his nose. He KNEW he shouldn’t have had that onion and garlic burger for lunch! “Hand it over! NOW!”

“Well gee commander, you don’t have to yell.” Ravisha pouted elaborately. “I’m happy to share.”

Revitalized and refreshed, Zardoc turned his patented Icy Stare Of Death on his still-shaking lieutenant. “Jevrak, continue. And we had best reach the creature soon, or you will suffer The Wrath of Crackling Doooooooom!”

* * *

The door to the bunkhouse flew open with a crash. Zardoc smiled as the assorted humans leapt from their cots, scrambling to reach their outmoded little weapons. He stepped forward, crossing his arms at his chest as his subordinates took up places around him.

“I am Zardoc,” his voice boomed through the tiny room, “indomitable leader of the EVIL from the Eighth Dimension!”

“Uh huh, sure you are,” Jimmy said, still wiping the sleep from his eyes.

Cody took in the appearance of the strangers with a google-eyed stare. “You get into some loco weed or somethin’, mister?”

“You will not speak to the mighty Zardoc in such an insolent manner, puny human!”

Looking the speaker up and down, Cody couldn’t keep the grin from his face. He nudged Kid in the ribs. “She’s kind o’ cute, huh Kid? I always did like a woman who’s direct.”

Kid’s answering smile quickly turned to a grimace as Lou stomped on his foot.

“We have traveled many parsecs… parsecs?” Zardoc put his finger to his lip, considering. “Or would that be light-years? Have we traveled light-years? Oh, no matter! We’ve come a long way to collect our creature. You will bring Katy to us now!”

“Katy?” Cody leaned against the nearest bedpost. “The only Katy around here is-”

“Shut up, Cody!”

“—Kid’s horse!” Cody finished. He scowled as the other riders groaned in unison. “What? What did I do?”

Zardoc looked thoughtful. “Horse? JEVRAK!”

“Yes, oh spectacularly attired one?”

“Explain ‘horse.’”

“Aaaah. Yes sir. A four legged animal with mane and tail. Used to pull conveyances. Also used for riding. Minimal intelligence.”

“Hey!” Kid protested. “Katy’s plenty intelligent!”

Zardoc smoothed his mustache. “Indeed. She was not intelligent enough to escape my ruthless grasp! Ah, but who amongst us is strong enough or brave enough to defeat the prodigious Zardoc? No one! Bwahahaha!”

Buck arched an eyebrow. “Bwahaha? Who _says_ that?”

“It doesn’t matter!” Kid was beside himself. “You’re not takin’ Katy!”

“I tire of this discussion,” Zardoc sighed, drawing his elaborate weapon with a flourish. The coils on its barrel glowed alternately purple and orange as he adjusted the setting before pulling the trigger. The riders ducked simultaneously as the red laser beam flew through the room, leaving a hole the size of a silver dollar in the wall above Ike’s bunk.

“I see you are impressed,” Zardoc said, holstering his pistol. “This is a little beauty I picked up last week. And that was the lowest setting. Katy belongs to me!” He turned to his subordinates. “Krevlon! You will stand guard outside this paltry shelter to ensure the pathetic humans do not attempt to follow. Jevrak, Ravisha! You will come with me to the outbuilding where we will prepare Katy for transport!” He looked again to the riders, now standing with teeth and fists clenched. “Attempt to hinder me, and you will suffer The Wrath of Crackling Doooooooom!”

Buck leaned towards Jevrak. “Errr… what’s the Wrath of Crackling Doom?”

“That’s ‘The Wrath of Crackling Dooooooom!’” Zardoc interrupted.

Buck rolled his eyes. “Right. What is it?”

Jevrak stepped closer, whispering conspiratorially. “We’re not certain. But it sure _sounds_ scary, doesn’t it?”

* * *

Kid paced the bunkhouse frantically. “We can’t just stand here! We’ve got to do somethin’! We’ve got to save Katy!”

“Look Kid, I want to save Katy as much as the next guy, but I’m not about to get my guts fried by that cracklin’ doom thing either.”

 _“That’s doooooooom, Jimmy.”_

“Thanks Ike. You’re a ton of help.”

 _“Always happy to oblige, Jimmy.”_

Kid threw up his hands. “Doesn’t anybody have any ideas?”

Noah had been watching the exchange silently. Now he took a step forward, his face lit with determination.

“I do. But it’s dangerous.”

Kid gripped Noah’s arm painfully. “I’m willin’ to try anything, Noah.”

Looking deep into Kid’s eyes, Noah clearly saw the courage lurking beneath the worry. He nodded once, sharply, before turning to the rest of the riders. “What about you?”

One by one, the riders stepped forward to acknowledge their willingness to risk home, family… even life itself, if only to save Katy from whatever dastardly devices Zardoc had planned.

“We’re ready, Noah,” Lou said quietly, speaking for them all.

Noah nodded again, moving away from the circle of riders to the trunk at the end of his cot. “All right.” He took a deep breath before lifting the lid of the trunk, glancing back once at the watching riders. His eyes filled with trepidation. “But I got to warn you… Rachel used bleach last washday.”

As one, the riders donned their protective eye coverings.

Noah was careful to keep the item he took from the trunk secured under a dark blanket until everyone was in place. “Three… two… one…”

Noah slammed the bunkhouse door open as he plucked the sheltering blanket away, holding the item aloft and proud. As expected, the blinding light of his newly laundered white trousers streamed through the yard, brightening it like the noonday sun. Krevlon dropped at once to the ground, clutching at his face and screaming in agony. “My eyes, my eyyyyyyes!!!!”

“Yes!” Noah’s fist pumped the air as he waved his trousers excitedly. “After them, men!” Lou glared. “Ummm… men and woman!”

Ike stalked into the yard, whipping his bandana from his head in a single fluid motion. His graceful fingers easily ripped the fabric in pieces before dipping into his pocket, coming up with the jar of molasses he’d tucked there before running outside. Smearing the cold and sticky mess on his bandana, he smiled as the weapons took shape. Shuriken. Perfectly formed, perfectly balanced Japanese throwing stars.

Taking up the stance he’d learned from his ninja master not long ago, Ike sited and let fly. The first star soared through the air with ease, slicing into the arm of Jevrak. The little man looked up in astonishment as Ike advanced, second Shuriken at the ready. There was no need for him to fire it, though. Jevrak’s eyes rolled up into his head as he fainted dead away.

Meanwhile, Buck had removed his medicine pouch and was twirling it through the air like a champion rodeo star. He aimed and… twang! The pouch bopped off Ravisha’s beehive with a resounding thud, knocking her out cold.

En masse, the riders advanced on Zardoc, eyes flashing and faces grim. The remaining Shuriken snaked its way relentlessly through Ike’s fingers as they bore down on the hapless commander.

Katy’s reins dropped listlessly from Zardoc’s hands as his eyes grazed the yard, taking in his prone minions.

“Now now... fellas… I wasn’t _really_ going to take Katy!”

“Zardoc.” Kid’s voice held an unmistakable warning.

“Honest!” Zardoc’s hand rose shakily to Katy’s flank. “Nice horsie. Pretttty horsie.”

“I think,” Jimmy said, hand resting lightly on his colt, “that you and your sparkly pajamas better get back to whatever hole you crawled out from, don’t you?”

Noah, Lou and Cody unceremoniously dumped the unconscious bodies of his crew at Zardoc’s feet. The commander fumbled through Jevrak’s jumpsuit, opening half a dozen zippers before finding the transporter device. He stood, keying in the coordinates to the Zardocmobile while keeping a watchful eye on the riders. As the shimmering transporter field enveloped them, he stood tall. “You’ve not seen the last of me, humans! I’ll be back for what is mine!”

The lightning spark of the transporter shimmered and died, leaving the yard cloaked in darkness once more. The riders looked from one to the other, wide-eyed. It was Cody who finally spoke.

“Okay, that guy was _definitely_ into the loco weed!”

Buck shook his head. “Peyote. Gotta be peyote.”

“You know, laudanum can put some weird ideas in a person’s head,” Lou put in.

Jimmy waved his arms. “I don’t care what it was. I got a run in the mornin’ and I’m dog-tired. Let’s head back to bed.”

The riders nodded in agreement, quickly retrieving their personal belongings from the yard before returning inside. Lou stopped at the door to the bunkhouse, head tilted as she watched Kid with Katy.

“It’s all right, girl,” Kid soothed, running a hand down the animal’s neck tenderly as he led her into the corral. “I ain’t ever goin’ to let anything happen to you.” With a final affectionate pat, he turned back to the bunkhouse.

“I know, Kid. Thank you.”

Kid spun on his heels. “Whaaaaaat?”

Katy neighed, pawing at the ground and looking innocent.

Shaking his head, Kid made his way to the bunkhouse. Crazed silver-clad dictators from another planet? Sure. Laser beams? No problem. Transporter devices that made a body disappear right in front of his eyes? Fine.

But a talking horse? That was just crazy.

The End… or is it?  
Bwahahaha!


End file.
